Steven Kings' Latest!

Young people showed up to Rep Steve King's(HumanExcrement-Ia) office today to speak with him about his insanity, and his bitter opposition to letting these young folks live in his beloved United States, even though they've been living here for years anyway.

Poor Steve King, scared out of his little brain by the brown urchins who have come to eat him, tweeted for help:

"20 brazen self professed illegal aliens have invaded my DC office. Obama's lawless order gives them de facto immunity from U.S. law."

If Stevie King thinks those young thugs look brazen, he'd probably shit his khakis if and actual black person moved into his district.

Stevie King later, after presumably hiding under his desk, was so scared of these hoodlums he tweeted again for somebody, hopefully a 100 year old John McCain, to come save him:

"#Gof8 You promise border security. How, when we can't secure Congress from Obama amnesty? Schumer, McCain, come guard my door." .

Neither man showed up to hold Stevie King's hand. I presume that King lived through the harrowing experience since we haven't heard a word from the Iowa fly buzzer since.

Hey at least those kids weren't holding a bottle of tea and some Skittles. or King would have been pleading for George Zimmerman to come save his worthless ass.

Rock Chalk Koch!

I live in Nebraska, a relatively quiet state full of nice folks with quaint 19th century views on things. Our state government is kind of milquetoast, not much goes on, crazy ass bills don't get passed, and the Governor is a diminutive little man who showed up at a Tea Party rally and looked like me at a funeral in a church. Yeah, I have to come here but this place and these people give me the creeps. So here in Nebraska, we aint that nuts. Oh we still don't much care for the Mexicans, the gays give us the willies and the Vaginal-Americans are getting a bit uppity with their havin sex and gettin pregnant and not wantin to birth the future Republican fetuses but all in all, we Nebraskans are a moderate lot.

But go south, gawd forbid, and it gets weirder and weirder and its getting too goddamned close for my comfort level.

Kansas is just south of us in more ways than one. Kansas used to send sane people like Bob Dole and Nancy Kassenbaum to the Senate where they argued their conservative views in a way that didn't send some of us into a bunker. But Kansas has changed since the Wichita based Kochsucker Brothers started throwing around their billions convincing Kansans that The United Nations was in Missouri heading their way and that the Sacking of Lawrence was actually a good thing because Lawrence, home of the state university, is full of educated people who can figure out the Kochsuckers are evil robber barons. Kansas has gone nuts since 2010 when they elected a Jesus freak named Sam Brownback as Governor and a legislature full of brainless roadkill tea party Republicans.

Got HIV or AIDS? Well in Kansas, the legislature tried to repeal a law that forbade the quarantining of such folks. Yep, the Kansas House and Senate passed it and Brownback (wasn't that a character in that Liberace' movie?) put his X on it. But don't worry, the Kansas state health department assures everyone that won't happen. The state health department also assures us that abortions cause breast cancer, condoms lead to pregnancy, abstinence is a lot of fun, and the sunflower is not a gigantic pretty weed.

A couple of years ago, Brownie and the legislature boys (there cannot possibly be any women in this idiotic club, can there?) passed an anti-Sharia law bill that keeps the Muslim honor killings out of Kansas. Of course the Christian honor killings of abortion doctors are a-ok with the Jesusy Kansas hierarchy. Yeah it is now against the law in Kansas to honor Sharia Law, a HUGE problem in Dodge City or Garden City. This solves a problem that has haunted Kansans since.....never.

Kansas legislators, a dubious term at best, have also suggested hunting "illegals" by chopper with some guy shooting at them like burrito carrying buffalo, want science teachers to openly question evolution in classrooms, want to ban the teaching of climate change, want to deny any sort of state money to those commie wind farms, ban abortions in all cases and make it illegal for abortion provider workers from volunteering at their kids schools, and take the fluoride outta the water in Wichita cuz it causes brain damage. Hey, I've been to Wichita, they may have a point.

Anyway, years back I read a book by Thomas Frank called What's The Matter With Kansas? He questioned why people would continually vote with the Kochsuckers and against their own economic interests. I've got the answer. What's the Matter With Kansas?

Kansans!

Whistle While You Leak!

Ok #1 you are NOT a whistleblower, you are a leaker. There's a gigantic difference. A whistleblower exposes illegal activity either by corporations or by government. A leaker just exposes shit he doesn't like. And for that reason, I really don't care if Ed Snowden gets redacted or whatever other tin foil outcomes he may have conjured up in his mind. Oh they will find you, Ed, and running off to the "free speech" paradise of China (?) isn't gonna save you.

Now I hate to get all right wing here, but I think this asshole needs to be stuck into the cell next to Bradley Manning and watch Bradley walk free. Manning, in all his recklessness of releasing virtually everything he could to that Australian sex maniac, Julian Assange, at least released some relevant information showing airborne American flyboys firing on defenseless civilians and journalists. Now that, I assume, is illegal. What Snowden leaked, and then ran off to China (?) was information that the American government, the NSA to be exact, is grabbing your phone records. I will wait for you all to get up off the floor with that stunning information. Ok, regain your breath? It may piss off the Rand Pauls of the world, who live in some sort of fucking dreamland where they can shoot anybody they want, turn back the blacks at the door, and wear some sort of muskrat on their head, but it is not illegal. Sorry, folks, but its not.

What is the real "scandal" here? Well to me, its that 29 year old high school dropout can go to work for a private company, make $200K, and then leak anything he wants to some rogue professional gadfly like Glenn Greenwald, whose work I have enjoyed by the way. What the fuck! This is what privatization of military functions does to a national security already fragile at best. If these private companies aren't stealing pallets of cash, or overcharging soldiers for meals, they apparently let uneducated goofballs have access to anything they want. Yeah, teabaggers, privatization? Really? This Snowden character has no chain of command, no reins, no nothin. He can just grab what he doesn't like, after piling up years of $200K a year cash, and then pretend to be some sort of fucking hero. At least Manning had some sort of chain of command to answer to. Whether he should or not is another argument.

So before people assume my kneejerk reaction to this is to hail this guy as some sort of Daniel Ellsberg, it's not. This smug jackoff doesn't impress me a bit. And for any American to be shocked, or pissed off at this, is naive' at best and downright stupid at worst.

Meanwhile, I must get online and pay all my bills, sign up for newletters, write this screed, check my bank balance, pay my phone bill and then get my panties in a wad that somebody out there may be looking at the information I voluntarily provided.

Three Scandals Walk Into A Bar!

SCANDAL!! Worse than Watergate! Worse than Iran Contra! Worse than a James O'Keefe video! Nobama, the Kenyan Socialist Acorn elected pretender President is so evil, he is now embroiled in three scandals worse than My Lai, or the persecution of Dick Nixon, or a James O'Keefe video!

The first scandal is so egregious, so foul, so O'Keefeish, it's enough to not only have Nobummer impeached, but deported back to one of his home countries, Kenya, Indonesia, or Hawaii! The IRS, you know, those guys who steal your money so we can go to unnecessary wars and give tax breaks to corporations and rich job creators, put a little extra scrutiny on social welfare organizations like Tea Party Sez Fuck Obama and Patriots Who Want To Shoot Obama just to make sure they weren't abusing that tax exempt status by doing any of that extra social welfaring like buying tri corner hats, Dont Tread On Me flags or hilarious giant pictures of Barack Hussein Obama with bones through his nose or a Hitler 'stache. How dare they? Goddammit, House Republicans are all outraged that these fine, upstanding government money sucking leeches who hate the deficit and black guys were being harassed by NOT having their tax exempt status revoked thus increasing said deficit. Impeach now!

Scandal # 2 is almost as bad as Scandal # 1. Hey, in fact now that I'm writing about it, it IS! What is it again? Oh yeah, some Fox News guy, James Rosen, or was it the liberal media Associated Press, nah it must be James Rosen of Fox cuz we all know Republicans HATE the liberal media and don't care if every lib in the media was beaten to death by the descendants of Bull Connor, had his phone records subpoenaed by the Department of Injustice led by evil black guy junior, Eric Holder. Why? Well it seems Rosen let a story go about the CIA knowing North Korea was gonna launch a missile powered by baking soda or something and that the CIA has an "inside source" in North Korea. OOPS! Well thanks to that great patriot, Mr.Rosen, the CIA USED to have an inside source. Sucks for that guy. So Holder, devil horns intact, went to a court of law and had Rosen's phone records looked at to try and plug the leak. Damn Holder, going to court and shit. Why not just wipe your ass with a flag?

Scandal #3 is almost as bad as 1 & 2 combined. In fact, it IS! Benghazi. Geez, even I'm bored trying to make fun of that one. 4 people were murdered. By an Al Qaeda inspired mob. Everybody knew it by September. And it cost Mitt Romney the election cuz Obama covered it up so that everybody knew what happened 6 weeks before the election. Now I know Americans are kind of stupid, oh ok, very stupid, but 6 weeks is more than enough time to work yourselves into a lather over something you all knew about anyway. Poor Mittens. I can still see his face when Candy Crowley kicked him in his magic jock strap. Hee Hee!

Maybe some day, all of this will be over. But Republicans just love the smell of scandal in the morning. Smells like.....hypocrisy.

Do Not Go See Any Movie With A 3 In It's Title!

I went to see two movies over the weekend. One by choice and one because I am a glutton for punishment and a great Dad. One you've never heard of and one you've heard too goddamned much about. One was interesting, told a story, had great actors, a point and a lot of joy. The other was a piece of digital shit. Which one first? Well of course the good one.

MUD....starring Matthew McConaughy (yep he's shirtless the last third of the flick) as Mud,and a bunch of character actors you all say "where did I see him/her before?" And oh yeah, some Oscar winner who when she says do you know who I am you should always say NO, Reese something or other. Matthew Mud is a chip toothed goofball living in a boat in a tree on an island somewhere in Arkansas when two kids find him and befriend him taking him food and trying to help him reunite with his true love, Juniper, played by that Oscar winner whatshername. The film is much like Beasts of the Southern Wild in its atmosphere and mood and if you liked that joyful little movie you probably will go for this. Mud aint exactly like he portrays himself, Juniper isnt what she portrays herself to be, the kids parents arent exactly who they portray themselves to be and of course by the end, we have a couple of kids with crushed hopes and dreams. No not really. It's worth catching at your local artsy fartsy theater.

HANGOVER 3......in terms that all Hangover fans can comprehend, "what the fuckity fuck fuck did they bother making this piece of shit for?" I never ever thought I could hate anything more than the blasphemy of Hangover 2, a money grab of a movie if there ever was one. Wrong! This miserable, mean spirited, wretched movie is so awful I can't even begin to tear it apart. If you like animal cruelty, human cruelty, senseless violence, mental illness, obnoxious assholes and a plot that is right out of a gangster movie that goes straight to DVD, hey spend the $10 and laugh your ass off. Whatever. If a beheaded giraffe, a smothering of a chicken, two dogs necks snapped, senseless killings, heart attacks, and a senseless appearance by Heather Graham, hell, all of the cast's appearance is senseless, but, if that sounds funny to you, yikes!

This despicable movie has totally ruined the first Hangover, which was brilliant. Jesus, there were a couple of times when John Goodman had the drop on all four of those dickheads and I was screaming "SHOOT!SHOOT!"

Yeah and stick around for the credits if you dare, after a minute or so you will treated to the humor that director Todd "I Suck" Phillips wanted to share as a FU to the critics, who hate his guts almost as much as I do. Sorry, Todd, the thought of a Hangover 4 makes me want to go see a Ryan Gosling picture. At least I'd get more sleep.

Spoiled Milk!

Back in 2009 out there in California, noted Austro-Mexican Merger advocate, Governor Arnold "How the Fuck Did He Get Elected" Schwarzenegger signed a law to turn all the kids into raging homos by celebrating Harvey Milk Day. This comes up next week and California parents are concerned that by being told who Harvey Milk was (yeah he's been dead for 35 years) that he will rise from the dead and persuade their male children to start making goo goo eyes at each other and start believing in science or something.

Yep, some asshole named Randy (hmmm) Thomasson (fuckin foreigner with two S's) has an organization, tax exempt I am sure, called Save California and is really really upset over this honoring of that gay San Francisco radical queerbait who had the nerve to get in the way of Dan White's lunchtime NRA target practice. Randy, who looks a bit like a queenie Louis C.K., is running ads and trying to scare California conservatives into keeping their little urchins home on Wednesday so they wont be subjected to things like this:

» Pro-Harvey Milk reading and writing assignments and tests
» Making children watch the fictional film “Milk” in class
» Having children participate in cross-dressing contests, mock gay-pride parades and mock gay weddings
» School assemblies teaching children that homosexuality, bisexuality and transsexuality are good and natural and maybe even for them

Shit, where was that kind of fun when I was doing time in Catholic school for 12 long fuckin years? I'd have killed to see a film like Milk, instead of the Greatest Story Ever Told all the flippin time. Cross Dressing contests? Mock Gay Pride Parades? Mock Gay Weddings? Bring it on baby! Hell, sounds like any football game I ever went to at my all boys Catholic high school!

But hey,all those LGBT activists, when they aren't swishing around demanding radical shit like equal rights and wanting the right to not be fucking beaten up or killed by repressed closet cases are out there covering up things you all should know. According to Randy C.K, the tinkerbells are covering up:


The dishonorable deeds of Harvey Milk
Harvey Milk was a liar
The negative effect of SB 572 upon schoolchildren
SB 572 targets kindergartners and tramples parental rights
"Drinking Harvey Milk's Kool-Aid" by Daniel Flynn
Poll shows 4 out of 5 Californians oppose "Harvey Milk Day"
The health hazards of homosexuality and bisexuality
73-82% of HIV transmissions are from homosexuality and bisexuality

Wow, that's a lot of covering up. Dishonorable deeds, lying, making Kool Aid? Sounds like the last Darrell Issa campaign.

Negative effects of SB572, targeting Kindergartners, trampling parents rights? Jesus, sounds like every school south of the Mason Dixon Line when some godless science teacher mentions the remote possibility of Darwin being right.

A poll showing what? You mean those things none of those idiots believed when they showed their Mormon savior getting his magic underweared ass shivved by a Kenyan.

Health hazards of homosexuality? Like what,derision for not plucking your unibrow?

And I had no idea that mentioning the name "Harvey Milk" will transmit HIV to the little darlings, well at least 73-82% of them anyway. 73 to 82 is also the average IQ of your normal Save California member.

Thanks Arnold. You gave them Harvey Milk Day and now all their kids are going to start dressing like The Village People and blasting the Weathergirls. Christ, they may even look at the Wizard of Oz in a whole new way instead of the way it should be looked at, in sync with Dark Side of The Moon.

Save California, Randy! Move!

One Of My Best Friends Is Black!

E W Jackson. He's running for lieutenant governor of Virginia and shhhhhhh, he's black. That tea party guy behind him is in awe of a colored guy who thinks just like him, thus, he's holding up a sign and not a rope. You see, E.W. (Extreme Wingnut?) Jackson is one of those Alan West type negroes who just cannot get enough of the approving gazes of old white people who are totally not racist or anything. You see, Virginia lets kooks who show up dressed like Ben Franklin nominate candidates for state office at one of those convention type deals that normal people wouldn't attend even if they were giving away free Obama targets. So the Virginia faction of the tea party showed up and nominated a real life colored guy to be Lt.Governor, whatever the fuck that is.


Extreme Wingnut Jackson has a great sense of humor when he's trying to keep a straight face while picking the pockets of not racist at all white people. Good old EW is one of those preacher fellas, ya see. So of course in the fine tradition of Jesus, The Reverend Jackson doesnt care much for the gays. He says funny shit about the gays like "they are incapable of love and their very presence is an attempt to “poison our children, divide them from their parents and the teaching of the church and basically turn them into pawns for that movement so that they can sexualize them at the earliest possible age.” Yep, and he didn't giggle once when he said that.

EW also aint much of a fan of that Nobama feller either. Even though they both have a lot in common with being dudes and members of the same human race and all, the good Rev says things to blonde mushbrains like Victoria Jackson (hmmm, related?)like "The idea that Barack Obama is a Christian is laughable. Barack Obama is at best a confused man, is at worst has the sensibilities, and I don’t know how this combination works, of an Atheist and a Muslim.”

Wow, an atheist AND a Muslim! Way to juggle there, Nobummer! You should join Penn & Teller onstage sometime.

Lately, EW Jackson has been praising that 1857 Supreme Court decision, named after some slacker named Dred Scott, who should have just been happy he had a fuckin job, as an "anti-slavery" amendment. If you remember, that decision made a slave 3/5 of a person, so the South could get even more federal money and consolidate its power to never ever abolish full employment for the blacks. Then of course the North started gettin all aggressive and stuff by letting Fort Sumter get in the way of Southern cannonballs and the rest is pure Northern atrocities on the good people of Dixie. Anyway, The Rev makes his point that 3/5 is a whole lot better than 0/5 thus, anti-slavery! How fuckin stupid are you to not understand that? Geeez!!

Oh Virginia. This is your choice. Every white tea party members best friend. Or somebody else, anybody else.